A little recap...

Life is really funny, sometimes I question if it's god or not but regardless, life really does have a sense of humor. The last time I was working on this site, I remember crying because of how lonely I was after writing that last blog entry and then during my emotional breakdown a friend from high school called. Ever since that friend called I have been so busy with life and socializing I genuinely have not had time for this little personal project. I am very thankful that god left me lonely just long enough for me to write that last entry. It's a perfect reminder and it's so bittersweet looking back.

I was a month fresh of a disgusting isolated relationship with absolutley NO ONE of substance to spend my time with. The friend that called was Emma, she facetimed me randomly, not even sure how she still had my number, after FOUR years of not talking. Actually insane. She asked if I wanted to hang out right that second at 1am and I got in my car and drove 20 minutes to her house and we hung out and drank fireball. We just kept hanging out after that and she introduced me to some of her friends, which I did not care to be friends with and still don't, they're all the girls from high school that I just never clicked with and I still really don't feel the need to despite my "desperation".

This kickstarted a lot for me these past few months. Emma's house is where I was at when my exes friend, Javon texted me to hangout with him and said ex. This ex, Johnny, was the best boyfriend I could have asked for, but our relationship was cut short due to me leaving him for my abusive ex that I had JUST finally left after 4 years. During my shitty relationship, everytime he'd call me names, laugh at me, have his friends join in on laughing at me, hurt me, or cheat on me, I'd think about the fact that this is what I chose over Johnny. Instead of car doors being opened for me, they were being slammed in my face when I'd try to run. I thought Johnny hated me for this entire span of time for taking him for granted and it turns out, he never did. It was really healing reconnecting with Johnny, i've known him since the 3rd grade, so being cool with him and all my childhood friends still makes me want to cry even though I'm writing this months later. We both cried during that first hangout and apologized to eachother, he had no reason to apolgize whatsoever but I still appreciated it. It's a testament to how selfless and generous of a friend I have.

Becoming friends with him again feels like I had my life before him back. These were the people I was hanging out with before everything went wrong. It feels like I undid everything to lose myself and my self esteem. The hard part is over and I'm back at square one.

I messed up. Now I'm in love

Lonely.. but if you imagine it, it will come

I just got home from work, I closed another weekend as usual. Thankfully, for the first time since August I will have a weekend off next week! Before that, I hadn't had a weekend off since june, which was before I started working where I do so I am obviously very excited. I have just exited an abusive relationship so I've been pretty lonely lately. I do not do well with being lonely. Feeling alone and recovering your self worth is a really hard mix to get through. Yesterday was a Friday and I closed, I cried in the bathroom at work because it was the busiest we'd been since the summer months and it was hard watching everyone drink and have fun. I specifically remember a very cute group of friends posing for a picture and it was a great moment, but witnessing from the outside really got me down.

I notice that when I get like this, the desperation gets to me. I confided in a friend that I've been talking to for about a year and a half over text. He always knows what to say to me somehow. I told him how I was feeling and he said "Try not to spend so much time looking to the past, envision the future". The things he says are always common sense but most times I feel like I need to hear it from someone elses mouth in order for me to really use it in practice. If I hear it from myself, I second guess it. I think it has to do with my self worth, it's honestly hard to trust yourself after an abusive relationship. Not only did I have someone else telling me that I was always wrong, but I kept putting myself in situations that hurt me, I knew they were wrong but I still did it. I beat myself down until I couldn't take it anymore, or it just wasnt fun for him to torment me any longer to be honest. My loneliness led me to drive all the way to Cleveland to meet Brian on Wednesday. I don't want to get into specifics but we both are not looking for anything romantic nor sexual with eachother, he enjoys being of help to people to put it extremely simply. We talked for about two hours and he gave me some really good advice, I appreciate him a lot.

After I stopped crying, my coworker noticed I was sad, I blamed it on our manager being a dick which was partly true. He invited me to get boba and go to a farmers market with him in the morning, it didn't end up happening but I appreciated the invite so so so much. The day I went to meet the wise friend I ran into an old coworker on the way, when plans fell through with my current coworker this morning she texted me to stop by and see her and I did. It was enjoyable. I told her I want to get out more, that I'm off next weekend and we made plans to go bar hopping. It's only right as I am 20 years old. I just want to meet people. I also have a date planned with a guy named Matthew next saturday, he seems really nice, he checks all of the boxes. Very rare. He claims he's looking for a relationship, and as I am young and just out of one, I should be offput by that but I'm honestly not. I wouldn't mind a relationship right now, I don't care how soon it is. I want comfort. If it works out then it does. He is really sweet, has a good job, isn't too far, has his own place, and may have sent me a dick print pic that wasn't dissapointing. I'm on board. He's honestly the first guy to outright make literal specific plans with me and end it with "It's a date!", he's also taller than me. I really hope we'll have fun. He seems fun. I'm just writing all of this to say, I have had a rough week but I'm already seeing immense improvement. I am activley "getting out there"! There's no need to feel sad. I haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing but opportunity for me right now. I am very thankful for the "lack" I feel, it's literally just an insane amount of room for new people.

Just rambling

I have work at 12pm. I am looking forward to my two shots of espresso with oatmilk with carmel syrup as I arrive. #1 priority obviously. Honestly still trying to figure out if this is the site design that I plan to go with, it worries me that I dont see it and get excited :p layout is someone elses work so, its a litte disheartening but progress is progress! Soon I will challenge myself to create my own from SCRATCH and not get overwhelmed. I've been activley coding for about 6ish? months out of over a full year of knowing what "html" and "css" means so this is what I have to show. The only website ive made that I felt proud of was the internet version of my grandmas house. I know I will go on to finish that as soon as I have a place to "put" it, like my own website :p. A resolution for the year 2024 is finding more time to code. I hope to see december 2024 and laugh at what I am attempting to do now. I have so many ideas it actually overwhelms me lolllll. I find that writing out my ideas, even similar to what im doing now, helps me a LOT to feel some satisfaction. I have work in about 45 mins, so I can't do much this morning, but here I am! Pondering!

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