Once again, Summer is unfulfilled in her love life.

I need to be put into a corner and sit in time out.

I've noticed a pattern so far in my dating life, I am extremely naive. You would think it would be the opposite given what I've experienced but it just made me more desperate for approval and to feel genuinley loved and cared for.

I really don't want to dwell on this any longer than I already have so I'm just going to try and write my feelings out as quick as possible. Even in my past journals and now this blog I realized when I write my problems out it not only helps me get over them but by the time I write again it's either resolved or I don't care. So let's hope for the best :D. This might be a little confusing cause I was just bragging about hitting literal buckets at the bar last weekend but tldr; I was in a situationship. I knew I was getting played and I still let him have sex with me cause I'm summer. I just didn't realize it was as bad as it really was.

I will let boys use me for sex because I haven't found anyone that wants me for me yet. I've been completely okay with this for the past year. Mind you 2024 is the first full year I've ever been single since I was 13. That's 8 years of being emotionally co-dependent. And the last 5 years of my life have been in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. So even when I've had what I so desperatlety crave, I've never truly felt loved. I've tried multiple times now to let a relationship slowly build naturally but I've realized the dating scene isn't the same as it was 5 years ago, in high school. It seems like no one wants to actually date nor do they want "love". Everyone is SO egotistical. They either think they'll find better so they dont want to settle down or theyre "too young" to be serious and want to keep their options open. Which is completley understandable but it's the porn brained, dating-app obsessed freaks that I seem to try to start something serious with. I'm a pretty girl. But that's all they see.

So I took that thought and I ran with it. I thought I was being clever by turning this into a give and take thing. You want sex from me, right? And I'm desperatley craving human connection from the opposite sex. So if I can be your booty call every couple weeks, I'll be able to play pretend. I'm pretty enough to let them in on this plan and they always go with it. You'll call me at 2am when we're both out at different bars or parties. I'll get the adrenaline rush from you finally texting me back and I'll agree to come over. I'll convince myself if the sex is good enough you'll plan to make me your girlfriend eventually. We'll have sex, you'll let me stay the night. I'll be more excited to cuddle and wake up next to you than any other part of this process. I'll leave in the morning, feel special when you walk me out the door and give me a hug. And we'll repeat. I convince myself this is getting me somewhere to keep myself sane. I pity myself for being so desperate but I've never had a reason to have any self worth. I've been too impatient to wait for the right one. Being single is foreign to me.

I don't want to say what happened to me on Halloween but it was really humbling. I was playing this exact game with a guy and for some reason I was shocked that he was laughing in my face the whole time. Not everyone has my mindset obviously. It can't just be a give and take, I see how he could see the situation in the way he did but there was no reason to take it as such an ego boost. I even talked to him about his role in my life, he knows this is what I do, I think maybe thats why it stung a little more. I needed it though. I'm realziing this technique has been hurting me more than helping so I'm giving up. Yayyyyy.

Since halloween, I've not just deleted the apps, but I've deactivated all accounts on dating apps. They weren't doing much for me anyway, my standards are pretty high and I don't feel attracted until I see someone in person so I never had any motivation to make connections on there. I'd just open the apps and swipe when I was sad. I did have over 10k likes on bumble though which I loved to flex lmfao.

I have also blocked all the men that I used as my fill-in boyfriends. I've declined about 5 booty calls since Halloween, which is insane for me unfortunatley. The booty calls were a big coping mechanism obviously. I've been cuddling my giant teddy bear more often instead.

I've been bulking! The goal is to gain weight right now, I'm starting to go to the gym and make it a habit. I love my body just want a fatter ass and a good routine to keep me busy.

So we've been through a couple phases so far. 1. complete co-dependence 2. single and looking 3. picking up scraps from the floor to feel something. and now 4. im deciding the instant gratification is not worth it and im choosing self respect. :) were gonna try this for awhile and see where it takes me. The goal is to stay patient, I know it'll be hard but i'm honestly so turned off by men right now. Even when I was being hit up for the regular booty calls, I felt gross for the first time. I wasn't excited to cuddle and talk, I was embarrased that I was so easily accesible to these people. I am really thankful that I was treated like LESS than an object by someone I thought I had a mutual agreement with. Good wake up call.

Funny enough, at the same time that all of this happened my best friend since I was 8 years old and actually MY ONLY FRIEND for a large portion of my life showed me her true colors. I asked to see her because I was feeling sad and she assured me I could open up to her. Long story short, I've been noticing for a long time that she almost shows joy anytime I am upset and vulnerable. This defintely has added to my mindset lately. I'm sick of not having respect from people. I've been using my people pleasing as a way to feel cared for but I don't even feel that. It's been doing nothing for me. So I'm done. I decided to stop talking to her, we won't be hanging out again. This has been years of passive aggressiveness and shady remarks. I'm not letting men treat me like this and I'm not letting a "friend" do it either. God's timing is truly beautiful. This is a huge lesson for me and I am doing what I can to change for the better.

It's Halloweekend!

My favorite holiday. This will be my 2nd Halloweekend actually, you have to celebrate as much as possible obviously. I am very proud of my costumes so far, last friday I was a skeleton, I did my makeup in the backseat of my friends car in less than 5 minutes with nothing but black eyeshadow, a $5 mirror I bought during my trip to North Carolina and the flash from my phone. Also just wore a skeleton jacket ive had for two years now and some black jeans. Turned out to be my favorite look yet. I'd attach a picture but I don't rather not have my face on the blog portion of this site at the very least. I'm too vulnerable in this specific corner of the site, check elsewhere maybe. Saturday I was the devil, I bought a headband with red horns last October on clearance at Walgreens for a dollar, wore a red hoodie, did my normal makeup and just added bloody tears to my eyes with water and red eyeshadow. I'm impressed with my own creativity. I've already had two people tell me they plan on using my skeleton makeup as inspiration :') so flattering. I've been saving my main outfit for thursday, today, the only costume I actually spent money on. I am being Draculara from Monster High while my friend Ana is being Clawdeen. Very exciting stuff. No idea what I am being on Friday but Saturday my designated driver informed me he bought a LITERAL traffic light costume, paired with a traffic cone hat. He's in school to be a civil engineer at the moment if that gives some context hopefully. So I decided i'd match and be a road! LOL I'm planning on wearing a black dress, using yellow contruction paper for the lines and then drawing a tire mark on my face with black eyeshadow. I'm way better at last minute costumes than I thought to be honest, I'm kind of thankful I'm blanking on a costume for friday, I'm excited to find out what I come up with cause I'm clueless right now.

Last weekend was very important for my self confidence. First of all, my friends and I went to a very popular bar so the line was very long. Two friends were already inside and standing at the back balcony portion that has a ~very~ short fence, seperating those inside from people either underage or too lazy to wait in line, my other friend and I were part of the latter. I jumped the fence twice aaaaand got kicked out twice. LMFAO. Eventually waited in line for a half hour, got to the door and security very kindly told me I could not come in as they knew I jumped the fence. I lied and said the other security informed me that all I needed to do was to go around and wait in line, and I acted very upset that I was lied to. Long story short this INSANE RIZZ got me into the bar and a sex on the beach in my hand. Life is good. Secondly, I will admit I think I am a very beautiful girl. Therefore I have never had to "shoot my shot" before, like ever. Normal protocol is wait for someone who is interested to come to me, as I am also shy. But something was in the air this Halloweekend eve, everyone was dressed up, I was with all of my guy friends dancing my life away with my scrumptious sex on the beach, and for some reason everyone at boujee college bars are SEXY AS FUCK. So summer thought to herself, let me try something, as I can't just let these gorgeous men slip away from me.

First guy I saw earlier in the night but I hadn't realized at this point that I'm a beautiful goddess with free will. He's with like two or three other guys, also attractive but this one is the MOST by far. I notice they're on track to walk right past me and my friends and when they do JESUS CHRIST they smell GREAT. The guy I had my eyes on was walking behind the rest thankfully, but in the last second I got a little intimdated and decided to attempt hitting on one of his friends instead of him, I try saying "you smell so good" to the guy walking in front of him but he doesn't catch it at all, THANK YOU JESUS. The one I want sees me saying something towards his friend and is already walking past me as I finish the sentence, gods timing is truly beautiful. He pauses and leans down to me to hear what I was saying and I repeat myself, "you smell really good". 10/10 rizz summer, not creepy at all, but aye that shit worked. He said thank you and I lean into his ear and ask if he has a girlfriend, this beautiful bottle of cologne put his arm around my waist and says "no but you can be" UGH. I ask if he wants my number and he pulls out his phone instantly. As he walks away his friends dap him up and tweak out as if he just won the championship to a really important sport, maybe NBA. And in this moment summer realized how much power shes been neglecting this entire time, and for the rest of the night I'm hitting on tall, beautiful men back to back. I'm in heaven. I approached four guys total and got four numbers. Life has truly never felt sweeter. I've spoken to literally none since then cause I refuse to text a random guy from the bar first but a win is a win. They'll eventually text or I'll run into them again on another night out. What's meant to be will be. In the mean time I will be abusing the fuck out of this new found power until something comes of it, and I am a very patient girl.

A little recap...

Life is really funny, sometimes I question if it's god or not but regardless, life really does have a sense of humor. The last time I was working on this site, I remember crying because of how lonely I was after writing that last blog entry and then during my emotional breakdown a friend from high school called. Ever since that friend called I have been so busy with life and socializing I genuinely have not had time for this little personal project. I am very thankful that god left me lonely just long enough for me to write that last entry. It's a perfect reminder and it's so bittersweet looking back.

I was a month fresh of a disgusting isolated relationship with absolutley NO ONE of substance to spend my time with. The friend that called was Emma, she facetimed me randomly, not even sure how she still had my number, after FOUR years of not talking. Actually insane. She asked if I wanted to hang out right that second at 1am and I got in my car and drove 20 minutes to her house and we hung out and drank fireball. We just kept hanging out after that and she introduced me to some of her friends, which I did not care to be friends with and still don't, they're all the girls from high school that I just never clicked with and I still really don't feel the need to despite my "desperation".

This kickstarted a lot for me these past few months. Emma's house is where I was at when my exes friend, Javon texted me to hangout with him and said ex. This ex, Johnny, was the best boyfriend I could have asked for, but our relationship was cut short due to me leaving him for my abusive ex that I had JUST finally left after 4 years. During my shitty relationship, everytime he'd call me names, laugh at me, have his friends join in on laughing at me, hurt me, or cheat on me, I'd think about the fact that this is what I chose over Johnny. Instead of car doors being opened for me, they were being slammed in my face when I'd try to run. I thought Johnny hated me for this entire span of time for taking him for granted and it turns out, he never did. It was really healing reconnecting with Johnny, i've known him since the 3rd grade, so being cool with him and all my childhood friends still makes me want to cry even though I'm writing this months later. We both cried during that first hangout and apologized to eachother, he had no reason to apolgize whatsoever but I still appreciated it. It's a testament to how selfless and generous of a friend I have.

Becoming friends with him again feels like I had my life before him back. These were the people I was hanging out with before everything went wrong. It feels like I undid everything to lose myself and my self esteem. The hard part is over and I'm back at square one.

Lonely.. but if you imagine it, it will come

I just got home from work, I closed another weekend as usual. Thankfully, for the first time since August I will have a weekend off next week! Before that, I hadn't had a weekend off since june, which was before I started working where I do so I am obviously very excited. I have just exited an abusive relationship so I've been pretty lonely lately. I do not do well with being lonely. Feeling alone and recovering your self worth is a really hard mix to get through. Yesterday was a Friday and I closed, I cried in the bathroom at work because it was the busiest we'd been since the summer months and it was hard watching everyone drink and have fun. I specifically remember a very cute group of friends posing for a picture and it was a great moment, but witnessing from the outside really got me down.

I notice that when I get like this, the desperation gets to me. I confided in a friend that I've been talking to for about a year and a half over text. He always knows what to say to me somehow. I told him how I was feeling and he said "Try not to spend so much time looking to the past, envision the future". The things he says are always common sense but most times I feel like I need to hear it from someone elses mouth in order for me to really use it in practice. If I hear it from myself, I second guess it. I think it has to do with my self worth, it's honestly hard to trust yourself after an abusive relationship. Not only did I have someone else telling me that I was always wrong, but I kept putting myself in situations that hurt me, I knew they were wrong but I still did it. I beat myself down until I couldn't take it anymore, or it just wasnt fun for him to torment me any longer to be honest. My loneliness led me to drive all the way to Cleveland to meet Brian on Wednesday. I don't want to get into specifics but we both are not looking for anything romantic nor sexual with eachother, he enjoys being of help to people to put it extremely simply. We talked for about two hours and he gave me some really good advice, I appreciate him a lot.

After I stopped crying, my coworker noticed I was sad, I blamed it on our manager being a dick which was partly true. He invited me to get boba and go to a farmers market with him in the morning, it didn't end up happening but I appreciated the invite so so so much. The day I went to meet the wise friend I ran into an old coworker on the way, when plans fell through with my current coworker this morning she texted me to stop by and see her and I did. It was enjoyable. I told her I want to get out more, that I'm off next weekend and we made plans to go bar hopping. It's only right as I am 20 years old. I just want to meet people. I also have a date planned with a guy named Matthew next saturday, he seems really nice, he checks all of the boxes. Very rare. He claims he's looking for a relationship, and as I am young and just out of one, I should be offput by that but I'm honestly not. I wouldn't mind a relationship right now, I don't care how soon it is. I want comfort. If it works out then it does. He is really sweet, has a good job, isn't too far, has his own place, and may have sent me a dick print pic that wasn't dissapointing. I'm on board. He's honestly the first guy to outright make literal specific plans with me and end it with "It's a date!", he's also taller than me. I really hope we'll have fun. He seems fun. I'm just writing all of this to say, I have had a rough week but I'm already seeing immense improvement. I am activley "getting out there"! There's no need to feel sad. I haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing but opportunity for me right now. I am very thankful for the "lack" I feel, it's literally just an insane amount of room for new people.

Just rambling

I have work at 12pm. I am looking forward to my two shots of espresso with oatmilk with carmel syrup as I arrive. #1 priority obviously. Honestly still trying to figure out if this is the site design that I plan to go with, it worries me that I dont see it and get excited :p layout is someone elses work so, its a litte disheartening but progress is progress! Soon I will challenge myself to create my own from SCRATCH and not get overwhelmed. I've been activley coding for about 6ish? months out of over a full year of knowing what "html" and "css" means so this is what I have to show. The only website ive made that I felt proud of was the internet version of my grandmas house. I know I will go on to finish that as soon as I have a place to "put" it, like my own website :p. A resolution for the year 2024 is finding more time to code. I hope to see december 2024 and laugh at what I am attempting to do now. I have so many ideas it actually overwhelms me lolllll. I find that writing out my ideas, even similar to what im doing now, helps me a LOT to feel some satisfaction. I have work in about 45 mins, so I can't do much this morning, but here I am! Pondering!

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